Bad Advice - What Real Men Do

The things that people expect Real men to do

• Get Drunk At Any given opportunity - if you don't get utterly leg less you are not a real man
• Ogle at any passing female who is even slightly attractive. Irrespective of context, time, place. E.g. Doctors, policewoman. Real men have a huge sex drive
• Eat the hottest curry possible. Real men can take the pain; the meal is an opportunity to look hard not eat nice food.
• Violence or threats of violence are always a solution. Even if he is twice your size and you are more the shape of the Michelin man than he-man, act as if you are as good as Andy McNab in a fight situation.
• You are a rule breaker. Act like a career criminal. Even if you have never even got a parking ticket, Real men have their own rules. Laws are for other people, etc
• Spend lots of money. You are well off. Obviously not super rich, your are no toff, you work, but Real Men hare largess.
• Worship football. In fact all sport, no matter how obscure you must know about if not have tried your hand at semi-pro or retired due to injury. Badminton, show jumping and tennis do not count. Horse racing just about.
• Drive too fast, in a very big car. Even if you live near work, and have no family, a huge saloon is required. Hatch backs and people carriers are a no-no. Estates not good. Four-by-four is ok as long as it is not a girlie RAV4 or similar
• Read a tabloid. Never a broadsheet. Certainly not a novel unless it is an Andy McNab or is something gritty or hard-boiled. Books on sport or war are good
• Military experience is very handy. Always claim some.
• Children should be called "ankle bitters" and generally ignored/bullied
• Women are "skirt" and generally ignored/ogled/bullied. Apart from mothers who are feared/worshipped
• Green vegetables, salad and fruit are for not for Real Men
• You are an island, a rock, a fortress and need no help from anyone. all men do this - especially if lost.