Friday, August 17, 2007

The Besuited Man

My suit is my armour
Can't you see?
The cloth turns aside arrows.
The pinstripes protect me.

Let others their worn denim or corduroy prescribe
I am happy when in a suit I am spied

Something that fits- and fits me best
I am not happy in a string vest

Clothing you can wear anywhere
For which few doors are barred
A besuited man is a suitable man at large

Maybe as all formality is dead
Maybe fashion says I should look like,
I just stepped out of bed

But as people judge by looks,
then look and see
As the besuited man,
the smart man,
the well dressed man.

Is visibly me

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Bad Advice - What Real Men Do

The things that people expect Real men to do

  • Get Drunk At Any given opportunity - if you don't get utterly leg less you are not a real man
  • Ogle at any passing female who is even slightly attractive. Irrespective of context, time, place. E.g. Doctors, policewoman. Real men have a huge sex drive
  • Eat the hottest curry possible. Real men can take the pain; the meal is an opportunity to look hard not eat nice food.
  • Violence or threats of violence are always a solution. Even if he is twice your size and you are more the shape of the Michelin man than he-man, act as if you are as good as Andy McNab in a fight situation.
  • You are a rule breaker. Act like a career criminal. Even if you have never even got a parking ticket, Real men have their own rules. Laws are for other people, etc
  • Spend lots of money. You are well off. Obviously not super rich, your are no toff, you work, but Real Men hare largess.
  • Worship football. In fact all sport, no matter how obscure you must know about if not have tried your hand at semi-pro or retired due to injury. Badminton, show jumping and tennis do not count. Horse racing just about.
  • Drive too fast, in a very big car. Even if you live near work, and have no family, a huge saloon is required. Hatch backs and people carriers are a no-no. Estates not good. Four-by-four is ok as long as it is not a girlie RAV4 or similar
  • Read a tabloid. Never a broadsheet. Certainly not a novel unless it is an Andy McNab or is something gritty or hard-boiled. Books on sport or war are good
  • Military experience is very handy. Always claim some.
  • Children should be called "ankle bitters" and generally ignored/bullied
  • Women are "skirt" and generally ignored/ogled/bullied. Apart from mothers who are feared/worshipped
  • Green vegetables, salad and fruit are for not for Real Men
  • You are an island, a rock, a fortress and need no help from anyone. all men do this - especially if lost.

A Hot Dog Day

The sun turns the air to the consistency of treacle.
Basking in the sun are the teeming people.

Swarming on any open space, like kicked over ants’ nests.
Women in bikinis, men down to their string vests.

Flesh already turning a bright cherry red.
And people eat outside, as if it were the med.

A Black Dog pants in a drought ridden tree’s shade.
And it is so bright that all the colours fade.

For a short, short time, it is sunny and warm.
And the only people unhappy, are those who tend lawns.

(ok written last summer)